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 March 2008 Newsletter Article.

The pain of not being heard, or betrayed, lied to or criticized are examples of experiences from our past that become sensitivities we bring into our present relationships. We become vigilant to these behaviors in others, and it takes only a hint of the original betrayal to cause a reaction.  Sensitivities are the fragile areas of our psyche that are like open wounds.  Any slight touch stings with pain and intolerance.  The emotional reactions that erupt out of this pain take on proportions that far out weighs a common response.  We justify our response with an internal logic which supports the perspective that our partner has purposefully hurt us. As a partner who encounters these wounds you are left confused by the distortion of your experience, which can lead to defensiveness.  Sensitivities tend to create more of what we don’t want because others will perceive our response as unreasonable.  It is unreasonable because the recipient of such emotional outpouring is held responsible for more than their behavior. People don’t respond well to this. Thus, their defensiveness denies the pain of the person with the sensitivity.  

Relationships can be a minefield of sensitivities that we try to dodge, control, or disarm forming patterns of relating. Paradoxically these ways of relating will create more of what we are trying to avoid or end up treating others in the same way.  The more unconscious of our sensitivities, our relationships will tend to escalate into a series of reactions which are out of our control.

So lets examine an example to explore this further.

A common sensitivity is not being heard. Typically what happens is, at the first sign of inattentiveness feelings of anger, hurt and frustrated emerge. The person will tell themselves things like; here we go again, why can’t they just listen, they are doing this on purpose, how many times do I have to say something, they don’t want to hear me, they obviously think I have nothing important to say. These thoughts are informed by beliefs that originate in early experiences. Such beliefs might be that they have to behave in certain ways to be heard or that there is no point saying anything as they wont be heard. So behavior can range from intense emotionally demanding behavior to shutting down immediately.  The result of both these habits is to not hear what your partner has to say.

The person who is being accused of not listening at first may be bewildered by the accusation and strength of emotion coming at them.  They may try to express what was going on for them in the situation but find the demanding behavior serves to silence them.  Finding that they are experiencing what they are being accused of they may become defensive. In the case of their partner shutting down this can cause a lot of confusion, often not knowing there is a problem until they are disconnected.

These interactions around sensitivities prevent you from dealing effectively with your responses to each other and understanding what is going on.  In addition, as you can see from the above example you both will end up not hearing each other.

Ways to deal with your sensitivities.

1) First thing to realize is that it is not your partner’s responsibility to change their behaviour so you don’t have to deal with your sensitivity.  Identifying your own sensitivities through self-exploration is a first step. Counselling and reading can be helpful as a way to explore what happens in relationships and where the sensitivity comes from.

2) Once you have more awareness of what is going on for you – share that with your partner. Understanding will help when it comes up in your relationship.

3) Deal with what is happening in the moment. Resist thinking in terms of ‘always’ and ‘never’. Sensitivities tend to get generalized.  

4) Take time to explore what is happening with your partner, what caused them to behave that way, what was motivating them, ask questions before you come to your conclusions.