Counselling for Self-Esteem

ARE YOU CONSTANTLY COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS?

And coming up short? 

Does it seem that you are struggling to swim up stream most of the time?

That's how it has seemed to me trying to deal with a constant barrage of negative thoughts and feelings that left me feeling like I wanted to crawl away and hide. The good news is that I don't feel that way today, and know that you too can create a loving relationship with your self.  
 
Self-esteem affects self-confidence, ability to assert oneself, and feelings of not deserving. It also creates a fear of taking risks, making commitments, facing challenges and can lead to problems of anger, anxiety, depression, as well as a feeling of powerlessness. When we have low self esteem we tend to be dependent on other people's approval to feel better. Sound familiar? 

Are you dealing with the constant bombardment of messages to be beautiful, wealthy and popular? 

In this competitive world it seems never ending doesn't it?

From infancy we look for encouragement and approval. We have a basic human need to be wanted, noticed, and included. We want to contribute, to be of value, and make a difference - in other words to matter.

Yet our culture does not readily give this. Parents can be tough taskmasters in seeking the best for their children, as many of you may know. Perhaps your parents were abusive or neglectful, leaving you feeling unwanted or worse hated. You may have had confusing boundaries or contradictory messages growing up that confused you about what was expected. Many people I work with just have a sense of not being good enough for their parents and are still trying to be. Young people have a tendency to be intolerant of difference and you may have been mocked by your peers. Then on the otherside to be proud and positive of oneself can be viewed as boastful.

Your past experiences are active in your daily life through your 'inner voice'

Do you berate yourself for making mistakes, or criticise yourself for doing things or not doing things? Perhaps you tell yourself that you should be like someone else? Do you go over all your conversations with people and think about the things that you could have said or done differently?

This is your negative 'inner voice'. 

You may not hear that voice in the same way as a spoken one, but in many ways it constantly repeats original messages to us.  Your inner voice can have a huge impact on you, even though you may not even be aware of it. 

Our self-esteem will continually fluctuate and is affected by events and encounters with other people. Observing ourselves in relation to other people can be a helpful source of learning and feedback. Yet all too often comparison slips into competition and others become a yardstick by which we evaluate ourselves as good or bad, competent or inadequate. 

The reality is we are all different. Each of us has strengths and limitations which we need to learn about and learn to live with. There are aspects of our behaviour and appearance we may seek to change or develop, but a sense of self is also based on self-awareness and self-acceptance. Can you live with being ordinary?

Improving Your Self-esteem.

Perception, fortunately can be changed, once you are aware of where these faulty assumptions and expectations come from, and once you make the decision that you have a choice and are not destined to repeat the same patterns and fears of your parents.

Here are some pointers to changing your self-esteem:

Counselling - Call today and make an appointment. Begin to take charge of your life. Exploring the roots of the shame you feel in relation to yourself is important to do with another person. In counselling you can safely explore those aspects of yourself you have shut down in an attempt to be perfect. As you reveal yourself to a compassionate and non judgemental counsellor you will learn self acceptance and feel more positive about yourself. Improving your self-esteem is relational. Counselling can also address the 'inner voice' and put the responsibility for it back where it belongs. 

Do things for fun. - Taking pleasure in life reflects a good feeling back to you.  

Look after yourself physically

• Eating regularly, thinking about the sort of food you eat, and making sure you try to get the amount of sleep you need.
• Exercise and toning muscles can give confidence and help you to feel good about your body. Pay attention to how you stand and walk. Think tall.

Use rewards, but avoid punishment

• Reward yourself. Buy yourself a little treat. Do something you particularly enjoy but don't often get around to.
• We do not like other people saying nasty things about us so why say them to yourself? Listen to how you treat yourself - the internal conversation. Low self-esteem makes it difficult to identify strong points but it does not mean you do not have them - only that they are unfamiliar to you.
• Avoid as much as possible situations and people that leave you feeling bad about yourself and spend more time concentrating on experiences which are likely to be successful and rewarding.

Cultivate good relationships - with yourself and others

• Are you continually expecting more of yourself than you do of others? If you accept the troubles, mistakes and variability of other people, how about being happy with "good enough" in relation to yourself?
• Involve others. Ask for support, feed-back, affection. Be prepared to say you don't know. Talk about yourself. Do not pretend or hide. Take care not to push other people away through being negative about yourself.
• Join in with others. Do not assume you are not important; other people have an effect on you and you affect them. Most people are interested in making new friends, and friendships can begin at any time in life. Say hello; do not wait for other people to come to you. Smile. Be nice to others, volunteer, be helpful, pay compliments.

Take responsibility 

• It is no good waiting for others or circumstances to leave us feeling better about ourselves. So accept responsibility for your own actions: as we cannot make other people change, we need to make the changes ourselves.

You can contact me by email or call 604 329 6006  

Office downtown Vancouver