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COUNSELLING FOR ADULTS DEALING WITH ADOPTION TRAUMA The Pain of Separation
Adoption is complicated. There is evidence that being separated from your birth parents(mother) is traumatic. No matter how loving your adoptive family was, if there is a lack of awareness about the effects of birth trauma, this can lead to long standing difficulties in the life of the adult adoptee.
Here are examples of attitudes and behaviors of someone reacting to separation trauma.
Feels that every parting is abandonment Afraid of intimacy and will not allow others to get close. Feels unimportant - having no impact. Keeps self secret from others - often results in others not feeling important to them. Refuses to recognize loss - or becomes paralyzed by loss. Interprets disappointment as betrayal and slams the door on relationships. Feels guilty about things you have no control over, yet refuses to take control over things that you do have control over eg getting a speeding ticket. Has trouble asking for help. Always saying sorry but not for 'real' offenses. Interprets disagreement or not being chosen as rejection of self. Feels helpless to change anything. Will have an outburst of outrageous behaviour at inappropriate times(shock value). Does not want to be controlled, but has trouble making even simple decisions. Interprets mere suggestions as attempts at control. Sabotages relationships in order to prove that you are unlovable, leaves before being left. Distrusts women. Doesn't seem to fit in anywhere, doesn't belong. Tries to fit in by being the chameleon. Often doesn't know what they like, need or want. Tends to be a rescuer. Is waiting to be rescued. Has distorted images of adoptive parents and birth parents. Has little impulse control. Anger and rage are often out of control to the immediate situation. Fear rules life. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Afraid to feel joy. Fears something bad will happen.Has to justify existence. Interprets inquiries about what's happening as intrusions. Yet will tell a stranger more than they want to hear.
The Way Forward.
As adoptees issues of power are particularly problematic for you. Power is connected to your self knowledge and
responsibility. You may have spent your life trying to figure out what
others wanted from you and adapting to that. You end up developing a
false self that is unreliable as the external cues keep changing. You
end up feeling powerless to get it right and feel disconnected from
yourself. Developing a relationship to your self is key to feeling
empowered.
At your core you may not believe your existence matters to anyone. Power is also based on having an impact. It is important that you check out that you matter to others. Expressing who you are to others is important as a statement to the world and to yourself that you matter. Acknowledging your vulnerabilities connects you to yourself. Living unconsciously leaves you at the mercy of being blind-sighted by your wounded fearful inner child. Distinguishing between the vulnerabilities that are responses to the present vs coming from the past enables you to feel in control. As an adult you can learn that you can indeed survive loss and disappointment. Learn to be realistic about what you can and can not control. Power is about respect. You are not powerful if you treat others badly or allow them to treat you badly.
Relationships and connections to others are very difficult for adoptees. For many of you you have a fear of connection. Keeping yourself protected from others is part of how you have coped with the separation trauma. We all need relationships and connection to others, all relationships take work.
Relationships for the adoptee often contain intense power struggles and emotional roller coasters. It is often difficult for the adult adoptee to maintain a relationship. Control, mistrust, disrespect and irresponsibility often plague relationships for the adult adoptee.
Being focused on others needs rather than your own makes it difficult for you to be yourself in intimate relationships. You may find yourself feeling that even those you are most intimate with do not really know you. These are just a few of the relationship issues you will need to address to create more satisfying relationships.
In counselling with me: You will find someone who is committed to helping you connect with yourself and others. I understand the unique challenges that face adult adoptees as they resolve their past and create a meaningful life. I understand that even though there may be common themes for all adoptees, you all have unique personalities.
These changes take time and commitment if you are ready to make those changes contact Delyse now to make an appointment, or receive a free 15 min consultation. 604 329 6006
You can also contact by email.
Turning Point Therapy #608-402 W. Pender St, Serving Downtown Vancouver, Vancouver, North/West Vancouver, Burnaby, New Westminster
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