ewsletter

In this article I will address some common attitudes that I see preventing people seeking assistance from therapists, and how they represent interpersonal fears that are related to the work one does in therapy.

Therapy is a commitment to improve your emotional health. In the end you have to make the changes you want in your life, and considering therapy as a way to help you create the life you want is a courageous decision. If you see yourself in the following attitudes I would encourage you to take a closer look at where these beliefs are coming from.  

There are a lot of people who would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit. Here are some of the typical attitudes:

1) I don’t want to become dependent on a therapist.
There is a lot of fear associated with dependency and therapy, and the possibility of becoming dependent on a therapist. If you have experienced trauma or oppression feelings of dependency are very scary, and bring up fears that the other will hurt or control you.

The irony is that dependency is often a rich and rewarding therapeutic issue. If you carry a lot of shame associated with vulnerability then being in need of help goes against the grain. Despite areas of your life not working accepting influence from anyone can be threatening, and results in seeking help when you are in crisis and desperate. From this position you will end up feeling more vulnerable and dependent – so confirming your fear.  

On the other side of the coin if you have difficulty taking responsibility for your life you may look to a therapist to tell you what to do. A therapist will work with you to address your fears and make your own decisions.

Whichever side of the coin you lay, finding balance and flexibility to be vulnerable and strong increases your self-acceptance. The relationship with a therapist will reflect your dependency issues that you are struggling with in your life.

2) I am going to find out something I wont like about myself.

Dealing with shame is a difficult and delicate process. Paradoxically in order to heal our shame we need to expose it. Everyone to some degree experiences shame. When the world fails to fulfill our every desire shame develops as a result of interpersonal disconnection. At these times we are exposed, cut off and separated by the responses to our innocent requests. These responses range from confusion and misunderstanding to anger, judgment and humiliation. This leaves us feeling that what we want is unwelcome and disgusting. We develop a connection to our desires and ultimately ourselves as shameful. As a result of our shame, and in an effort to prevent our self from experiencing the shame, we disown these aspects of ourselves.

Therapy is a process, which turns this around, and we learn that we are not shameful or vile. It is a catch 22 in that we don’t want anyone to really see into our deepest darkest secrets, and at the same time we just want to be ok as we are. The relationship with a therapist can feel terrifying when we anticipate these aspects of our self being seen. Conversely, when we feel the loving acceptance of a therapist it can feel incredibly relieving, and supports us to be who we are.

A defensive “I am fine just the way I am” is another version of this fear. One will maintain this position to prevent the possibility of discovering what we fear to be true – that is that I am not ok!

It takes courage to enter into a process that explores inner experiences. It is understandable that if you could maintain control over experiencing difficult emotions such as shame, you would. However, this is likely to continue to create a split between what you present on the outside and what you feel on the inside leaving you with a feeling of disconnection from yourself and others.   

3) I have a good relationship with my parents now. I don’t want to blame them for things that are in the past.

This represents not only a fear that you will confront your parents and end up disturbing the relationship, but also a resistance to change, and the fear of facing reality.  We know that our experience has shaped us, but to address it means changing the ways we have coped with it. Often we cope by pretending things are ok when they are not.

It is unfortunately true that many parents have failed their children – sometimes in quite horrific ways. In order to make changes to how we feel about ourselves we need to see our experiences for what they are.  We may have turned many painful experiences against our self when we were young in order to cope with being dependent on those hurting us. The process of turning this around requires a perspective that we are not responsible for being hurt.

So changing how we feel about ourselves today is inevitably going to change the way we are in relationships, and our perspective on our experiences.

In my experience, living more truthfully sorts out whom you really want in your life.

4) Only losers go for therapy.

 What is associated with this attitude is the myth that only people with serious problems (that the rest of the well adjusted population don’t have), go for counselling. So if you go for counselling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy! At your core you may fear that you are crazy, and you will lose control, but as long as you can project it out onto others you are safe. Sane and insane become extremes.

We all encounter times in our life that cause us pain. We all struggle with not knowing what to do. We all have to deal with healing from the betrayal of others. We all develop unhelpful and destructive ways of coping. We all have to come to terms with our self.   No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking assistance is just plain smart.

5) I tried therapy once and it didn’t work.

We want instant results and relief from pain. This attitude can reflect how we are influenced by a world that does not tolerate discomfort. When I hear this expressed I often get a sense that the person may be giving up a little too easily, and that it can be a way of expressing their fear about counseling. They can leave the process before it goes into things too deeply. Making a mediocre effort can be a way to set yourself up for failure and keep you safe.

If you had an experience that was negative it can simply be a matter that it was not a good fit.  It takes courage to get back on the horse, but you can use your experience to make a better choice for yourself.  It is important to take some time to research and talk to several counsellors to get a feel for whom you are comfortable with.


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